Hello. I'm back! Yes, I know it's been long. I'm really sorry. No really, I'm sorry.

Arrey relax baba. I said I'm sorry na? Now whats there to cry? I apologised na? C'mon, now stop crying. Here, take a tissue.





These things happen in a relationship okay? So just calm down now.

Good.

Now, what was I saying? Oh yes. Where have I been for the past few months? For the three and a half people who care, I was super super busy with work. Or as a friend quite eloquently put it - "Tanmay is pregnant with work.". Following which the aforementioned friend spoke to my imaginary Work Baby whilst stroking my abdomen gently.*

I was busy doing creatives for India's Got More Talent, an ancillary show** for the ubiquitous and immensely popular India's Got Talent. I did this show because it would fulfill several of my professional and personal goals.

Professional goals would include - Working with a super production company like BIG Synergy (not to be confused with Large Synergy or Mammoth Synergy). Owned by quiz master Sidharth Basu, these guys have done the biggest shows on Indian Television.

Personal Goals would include - Booking my lazy boy in hell by working on an Indian reality/talent hunt show and making eager contestants do things so evil that it that would give Satan a big bad boner.

It's true folks, if you've worked on a reality show made for Indian Television...you're most definitely going to hell. And I had this epiphany while conducting auditions in Delhi.

It was a hot hot day in the capital. Our team, including me, had just got our set of walkies and since I am a restless retard, I was busy messing around with the frequency on my set.

Suddenly, I get buzzed on my ear phones:

Voice: CONTESTANT NO.53 IS FAINTING! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME! I REPEAT! CONTESTANT NO. 53 IS FAINTING!

Now, this was none of my business because the contestant team usually handles these sorta situations. However, I hung on JUST to know what happened next.

Nobody buzzed back for almost half a minute. And then the walkie buzzed again.

VOICE: IS ANYBODY HERE! I REPEAT CONTESTANT NO.53 IS FAINTING! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME? IF THERE'S ANYBODY ON THIS FREQUENCY, COULD YOU PLEASE GET HERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! THIS IS SERIOUS! A CONTESTANT IS FAINTING!

Still no reply.

I started getting slightly uneasy. I wanted to hit the panic button.. but then I realised that it's just a phrase and in fact there is no such button.

Before I tell you what happened next I need you guys to understand that at that moment I was a producer on the show and that I was In The Zone. I was in shoot-mode. So yes, don't you dare judge me.

So I pressed the talk-back button and said -

ME: HELLO! TANMAY HERE! I CAN HEAR YOU! WHAT FLOOR ARE YOU ON?

VOICE: I'M ON THE SECOND FLOOR! GET HERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE!

ME: I'M ON MY WAY. GIVE ME A MINUTE.

VOICE: OKAY, COME QUICK.

ME: LISTEN! ONE QUICK QUESTION!

VOICE: YEAH?!

ME: SHOULD I GET FOOD OR SHOULD I GET A CAMERA?


Silence. For a moment I thought I was fired. Then -


VOICE: ....UHH... GET BOTH!

ME: GOT IT! I'M ON MY WAY!


Now you know why everybody who works in television is going to hell. And if it wasn't for this.. we have Rakhi Ka Swayamvar which is more than enough to guarantee every television employee an invitation to Satan's freshers party.

That's it for today folks. Will update often from now on. Pass this onto your entire friends list or you will die a very very painful death. Goodnight.

*Needless to say I'm not friends with this person anymore.
** In other words.. we were the bastard children of Viacom18.

Somewhere at the end of 1999, Rakesh, a production guy at Synergy, (the production house that produced KBC) created the money tree for a quiz game show. The tree started at Rs. 1000 and ended at rupees 1,00,000. Rakesh smiled. In other words, he changed his facial expression by spreading the lips, to signal pleasure.

His colleagues stood around him, all marveling at the fact that the game show, Kaun Banega Lakhpati, would ACTUALLY give away a lakh for anyone who could answer just 15 questions. It's that effing simple!

Some wondered if the channel, Star Plus, had enough money to fund such a large prize money. Some wondered if Siddharth Basu would be able to hold the show as an anchor.

Meanwhile, Mr. Siddharth Basu was sitting in a meeting with the channel at Synergy main office in Delhi.


Star Plus Official: Mr. Basu I'm afraid you won't be anchoring the show.

SB: Oh really? You think I can't anchor a show?

SPO: No Mr. Basu.... actually.. -

SB: Have you even SEEEEN India's Child Genius?

SPO: I have Mr. Basu, but -

SB: Have you not HEARD my deep enchanting and sexy voice? HUH punk?!

SPO: No it's not that Mr. Basu. We've just found somebody else to host the show.

SB: OHHH! Is that so? Who is it? Who's this guy? Has he hosted a tv show before?

SPO: Uhh, I'm afraid not.

SB: AHA! So this nooob thought he could replace ME?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SPO: Sir, Mr. Amitabh Bachchan is replacing you.

*Long LONG silence goes here*

SB: Oh.

SPO: BURNNNNNNNNNNN BITCH! IN YOUR FACE! AHA! BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Meanwhile, Rakesh and his co workers were just about to call it a day when the land line rings.

Rakesh: Hello?

SB: Ummm, Rakesh?

Rakesh: Yes sir.

SB: You finished the money tree?

Rakesh: Yes sir. It's all ready. Starts at a thousand, ends at a lakh. 15 steps.

SB: Yyyyaaaa.... that's not gonna work.

Rakesh: I knew it! I knew the channel couldn't afford it! I mean, 15 questions and 1 lakh! It's ridiculous!

SB: Yyyyyyaaaaaa...Rakesh...The shows..uhh.. now called.... Kaun Banega Crorepati. The prize money is 1 crore.

It's been a busy couple of months. Proper update shall come soon. But until then... here's an old piece which I wrote for JLT.

1.English lyrics confuses people. Take that song ‘Mind blowing mahiya’ for example. I actually thought the song went like this – Do you mind blownig Mahiya? But then, I am a perverted boy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

2.How would you like it if main hindi words daaly in an english article? Pasand aayega to you? Nahi no? Then why the hell would you want to daal angrezi shabd in a hindi gana?

3.Forget songs, even MOVIES with English sub titles sound awful. Let’s take as an example, the unbelievably awful Sanjay Dut starrer, Daag - The Fire. Such complicated titles will not only confuse people about the meanings of the word ‘daag’ and ‘fire’. They will also question the quality of genes that the producer’s parents passed on to the producer.

4.Tashan’s latest track – Dil dance Maare is an absolute genius of an example that demonstrates what English lyrics can do to a hindi song. We can call it the human equivalent of ‘rape’ or ‘molestation’ multiplied by twenty four. In fact, if we observe carefully, little blood comes out of your ear everytime you listen to that track.

5.English lyrics in hindi songs drive human faeces like Anu Malik to singing. Remember that song ‘Dekho Baarish Ho Rahi Hai! It’s raining! It’s raining! It’s raining!’ I’m sure you do remember. In fact, I’m so sure about this because I myself remember this song purely because of its obvious nature. Has there been a more educational song? Notice carefully how the song translates every hindi sentence into English. ‘Mera Dil Ro Raha Hai! My heart is paining, it’s paining it’s paining!’. Genius, pure fucking genius.

6.We have previously seen the after effects of mixing two languages in art. For example, when Dunston Checks In was renamed, it was called Ek Bandar Hotel Ke Andar. Till date, several people have died laughing on merely seeing the name of the film.

7.One of the main reasons why I am against the use of English lyrics in Hindi songs is due to the fear of the inclusion of other languages in hindi songs in the future. I would literally throw up if I heard the use of French in a hindi song. For example – Chez nous le heart le dard du disco or in Spanish – Jab bhi koi ladki dekho mera dil diwana bole Ole Ole Ole Ole Ole Ole!

8.Nowadays the west is copying our music. So if they copy any of our tracks which have English lyrics, we’re done for. Soon, we can expect Shakira go all – I’m on tonight kyunki mera pichwada jhoot nahi bolta! Or worse, if Eminem does an 8 Mile in hindi – Uske haath hai heavy, knees weak palm hai sweaty, uski shirt pe hai ulti, mom ki spaghetti….

9.When English lyrics are used, it’s not just the song that is messed up, it’s the video too. I mean, curse me if you want to, but watching Abhishek Bachchan trying to rap some nonsense is just not pleasing to the eye or the Islets of langerhans. (PS: The song I’m referring to is from the movie Bluffmaster)

10.And last, but not the least, because Stone Cold said so.

For the past 2 months, I've been contracted to work on a show called Oye It's Friday, perhaps you've heard of it.

It was Sameer Nair, CEO of NDTV Imagine, who wanted to create an Indian equivalent of Saturday Night Live. That was the birth of the show.

Since then, the best in the industry have been working on the show. The content is being driven by the best writers in the industry, headed by Sailesh Dave (Great indian comedy show, movers and shakers etc. etc.) and company. Obviously, pulling of an SNL would have always been difficult, but the thought was to do something different.

I've been super excited about the show since the day I started writing for it. It's been the best job I've had. I come to office daily, and my job is to sit and crack jokes, think of sketches, gags and other things that could make the show fun to watch. I sit in an air conditioned cabin, in front of a computer with speakers, listen to music, watch television, eat food, drink free chocolate milk (no, I'm not a coffee person)and write sketches and barge into my boss' office and pitch the idea. What's more, I am paid a decent amount of money to do this.

However, It hasn't been as smooth as it seems. Writing for an Indian audience is difficult. Writing comedy for an Indian audience is EVEN more difficult. And writing SKETCH comedy for an Indian audience... is... well... let's just say that the task of shoving one human being up another human being's arse is easier and less painful.

Tanmay: "Hey! What about this idea!
Boss/Channel: No, too evolved. Dumb it down. A plumber in Ludhiana should understand the joke and laugh at it.

Tanmay: Hey! What about this!
Boss/Channel: No, too production heavy. I'm not spending so much on the plumber.

Tanmay: Hey! This?
Boss/Channel: No, too intelligent. Plumber is only paanchvi paas.

Tanmay: Ummm, this?
Boss/Channel: No dude, the idea works in English, not in Hindi. Plumber doesn't know English.

Tanmay: Okay, this?
Boss/Channel: HE'S A PLUMBER! NOT A FUCKING ROCKET SCIENTIST! HOW THE FUCK WILL HE KNOW WHAT AN 'IMAGINARY FRIEND THERAPY SESSION' IS?

And after all this, finally an idea goes through. The audience during shoot laughs at it (paid audience of the Ludhiana Plumber variety) and finally it makes the cut and goes on air. And then I get an SMS from a well educated, funny, smart, non-plumber like and intelligent friend saying "Dude, that wasn't funny".

Suicide is the only ray of hope in my life.

The first day of shoot, I entered the set. We were shooting at Yashraj Studios, perhaps the best studio in the country, if you may. The set is the most massive set I've ever seen. 360 degree set, 12 cameras, 4 platforms, 12 dancers, one magic act, one dance act, one huge projection screen, one singing act, one unique talent act, 5 sketches and 7 hours of Farhan Akhtar comprised of our first day of rehearsals. I was sure the show would be great to watch.

The show debuted last week, and I messaged a bunch of my friends about the airing and asked them what they thought. The show got mixed responses. The ratings are mediocre, but they're expected to rise in the coming weeks. However, the critics, especially those online, have been particularly harsh on the show.

The show isn't funny.

The gags were okay.

Dude, you said it'll be like SNL? It's so not like that.

Farhan looked so nervous. So did Hritik.

Half the jokes were so lame.

There's too much happening.

It looked so reharsed.

Why is Farhan cracking so many PJ's?

So on and so forth.

I've been relatively unphased. A good number of people have also liked the show. A lot. As for those who didn't, if you tune in next week, despite having so many issues with the show, then my job is done.

BTW, did you guys catch the episode?

Today, my friend and I were having a random conversation* while we headed to Bandra in a rickshaw. As we stopped at a red light, several prostitutes jumped on us and started biting our ear. Soon, after much explanation from my end, they realized that just because the signal has a red light doesn't mean that it's a red light area. Much of the aforementioned ear biting stopped.

Ha Ha! I jest. I'm in a very joky mood today.

So yes, we stopped at a signal. As a joke, I told my friend that we too should stop talking until the light turns green. She didn't find the joke to be very funny, but she agreed. Like I said... today, me, joky!

At this point, a Chevy Spark stopped right beside us. Usually, a Chevy Spark isn't something that would grab my attention... but this Spark was... different. It belonged to a newly married couple. And by tradition, this Spark was totally bathed in flowers.

Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't the first time that I've seen this. I've seen flowers cello-taped on cars before. But here it seemed that the couple, in their excitement of getting married, spent their entire honeymoon money on buying flowers and taping them to the car. In fact, I'm surprised how I even figured out that it was a Chevy Spark.

If you're thinking 'Oh Tanmay! C'mon! It doesn't take that many flowers to cover a tiny Spark anyways', then I wish you a lifetime of unhappiness and tragedy...because you've totally missed the point.

Why would anybody want to do that to their car? Isn't it enough to have just a few corsages stuck to your car to get the point across?

The following are the only reasons why I think the car was assaulted with those flowers -

1. Somebody married the car.
2. The car got married to another car in a Stone-Age themed marriage where everybody was dressed in flowers and leaves (including the bride and groom)
3. The car had the fevicol logo on it and then, it drove through that farm from DDLJ (that huge sun-flower farm where SRK and Kajol hug).
4. The car hyper pollinated itself. (Anybody who corrects me on this will have some pollen grains shoved up their arse)

In fact, this led me to question the very basics of this tradition. Why would you put flowers on your car when you get married? What can possibly be the reason?

1. So that people, in general, will know you're married.

Why would you want random people on the street to know that you just got married? You think they're going to step aside for you and let you pass? You think other cars on the road will be extra nice to you and make way for you? You think somebody will hang their head out like a dog and congratulate you? As your car passes by the road, you think people will throw gifts into your car?


2. So that your car knows that you're now married and there will be some major ass-pounding happening in the backseat.

Okay, I can't argue with that one.


3. To make the car stand out and make the happy couple feel special.

Hey, you know what else could make the car stand out? You could ask a juggler to stand on top of the car and juggle dried up turd, while you drive around town. Surely it would also make your happy couple feel special. After all, nobody else has a turd juggler on top of their car now, do they?

In conclusion, when you get married, leave your car out of it. Suicide is not something you drag your friends into.

*This is the conversation

Amogh: Dude, you should get a D-MAT account yaar!
Tanmay: Why! I toh already have a door mat at home! Ha Ha! Gedit?
Amogh: .....